(First Published in Firstpost)
The first thing you see on screen are two oranges. Lemons and oranges are the oldest tricks in the trade for attempting adult humour at a woman’s anatomy. You yawn and wait for the banana in the third installment of Ekta Kapoor’s Kyaa Kool Hain Hum 3.
Instead you see crows and parrots and dogs and rats. Oh, there is also a screwdriver.
And of course, the most inane and lamest of three actors Tusshar Kapoor, Aftab Shivdasani, Krishna Abhishek — all of whom seem willing to hang upside down, do anything to be the joker which of course involves constantly taking off their pants — is Kapoor.
In Kapoor’s case, it also involves donning a red saree and constantly going cock eyed. Not sure if that would make you laugh or cry. More likely— SCRAM AND SCOOT.
For those interested in Big Boss's popular participant Mandana Karimi, yes she is seen in bikinis but she only flutters her pretty eyelashes and nothing more. However, in the movie there are three other women willing to show their cleavage and do only one constant act — that of lusty pouts and purrs.
Gizelle Thakral has a name like Meri Lee and Claudia Ciesla is Suckoo — short for Shakuntala. Writers Milap Zaveri and Mushtaq Sheikh must have exhausted their creative juices while thinking up those suggestive names because they had nothing left to offer by way of story line or dialogues. The story is crappy and lines are crassier. The third lady in the film is Meghna Naidu, who plays Kapoor’s masi lusting after Aftab’s Rocky.
So there are these women flaunting and throwing themselves at men’s feet (there is one even washing Abhishek’s feet) and on their beds. Oh, there is also a fourth entrant— Sushmita Mukherjee in a spoof on Black’s Rani Mukherjee who plays dumb, makes noises (no, not those, you naughty people), which her poodle interprets and barks and which in turn is interpreted by someone who looks like Johnny Lever.
Eventually, she too lusts after one of the men. It’s difficult to remember who, since by now one is only gazing at the huge parrot carried by Kapoor’s would be father-in-law Darshan Jariwala who is named Surya Karjatya (writers so clever about spoofing on Barjatya). One can only marvel at all these actors who work seriously hard at being funny and miserably fail to evoke a single smile if not a giggle. How uncool is that?
Apparently, Abhishek’s Mickey believes that Kapoor’s Kanhaiya and Rocky have umm… a “special talent”. So he calls them to Thailand (where else for sleazy humour) and makes them act in his porn films.
The “special talent” is explained by two crows propped up in a swimming pool, several inches away from the two naked men positioned in the water carefully. So that explains the crows in the movie.
As for the rat, where do you think it was? Of course, in Kanhaiya’s pants, doing its own little dance.
Which leaves the best part: the screwdriver. Since this movie attempts to pathetically spoof on various Bollywood movies within the short porns made by Micky and that includes Sholay as Kholay and even Mughal e Azam; there is also one movie involving Riteish Deshmukh and a screwdriver. While Deshmukh sensibly avoids featuring in one of the ‘porns’, he appears at a mall and does a Rowan Atkinson from Love Actually.
Now, if you are still interested in the nuts and bolts of all these animals, go ahead. But if you want to see Tusshar Kapoor running in a red saree to the tunes of The Dirty Pictures, escaping from his own father (Shakti Kapoor) lusting after her/him, removing oranges from his blouse, stripping on a beach, it’s entirely your funeral….sorry…call.